Gentle Spirit

I was thinking today about death.  I thought…..What would I do if I found out I was dying?  I got carried away with this thought and found myself paralyzed with fear.  Not the fear of death itself, but the fear that I would have to say goodbye to you and to J.  I wondered would it be goodbye forever or would we meet in another life.  I never questioned that before.  I never doubted that we would before but when I got lost in that thought I realized…..Nobody knows for certain and that terrifies me.

The thought I might be saying goodbye to you both for now and always.  I could never laugh with you again or kiss you or feel your hand embrace mine. I would never hear you tell me that you love me or be able to look into your beautiful blue eyes again.  I became overwhelmed with emotion in that moment thinking that I would be leaving you forever and I realized how afraid I am to face that day.

I decided right then that the only thing to be done, if I ever hear those terrible words “you are dying”,is that I will LIVE every single moment with you.  Really live it.  Enjoy every single second.  Take in all of you.  I would make sure you know how I feel about you and what you have meant to my life. I would breathe you, taste you, touch you, listen to you….LIVE EVERY SECOND.

The fear gradually subsided as I pulled myself away from those dark thoughts.  I breathed a sigh of relief and I said a prayer to keep us safe.

Then……….it occurred to me…..that I am dying.  It’s not a someday thing.   I am dying.  Every day that I live brings me one day closer to death.  You are too my love.  We all are, it is that simple.  We just don’t know when.

This is no dress rehearsal, this is the real deal and we are here now.  Today.  We are only guaranteed the second that just passed because we just don’t know when it will be time to say goodbye.  If we are lucky enough to have the opportunity to say goodbye.

There are no do overs my beautiful Dreamwalker.   We only have a moment.  That is all.  While we have this time together we have to live and enjoy every moment.  Each one is a gift.   There is no time to dwell on sadness.  There is no time for guilt.  There is no time for regret.

There is no time to postpone happiness.  It has to happen now.  There is no I will be happy when ……… Happy has to be now.   Postpone the sadness, guilt, worry and regrets.  There is time for that later, right now there is only time for living.  It’s time to live.  It’s time for you.  It’s time for us.  Today, this moment, right now.  That’s all we have.   I want to live the rest of my life with you.   I love you.