Gentle Spirit

I spent most of my life thinking Sadists were evil, cruel, crazy people without feelings or a conscience. I thought Masochists were just plain crazy and had some sort of death wish. Ironically, I am very deeply in love with a Sadist. He is the first Sadist I ever met (that I know of). I now believe that Sadists are the most beautiful people, the most giving and loving souls. The “connection” you describe is a word that is extremely difficult to define. I understand it because I have it.

When Dreamwalker and I are making love, because all of it is making love, I never see him in any bad light. He hurts me, oh God he really does sometimes, and he also brings me to levels of ecstasy that my own body cannot handle, although I am learning. When we make love, it is not about getting to the orgasm. In fact, for the first time in my life the orgasm has become a side affect of our experience and not the goal. The journey, the experience is what this is all about. Hours of love making whether that be through pinching, biting, spanking, cutting….it’s all just him and I sharing a deeply trusting and intimate time together.

I feel every sensation, I scream, I gasp, I cry, I moan, I react. I am there. He is there. I am not thinking about everything I need to do after I come. He is not fantasizing about some playboy model in a magazine with his eyes closed and going through motions. We are together. One hundred percent focused on one another. He is looking at me, watching my reactions, and I am in a state of utter vulnerability, with no option but to surrender myself to him. What an incredibly freeing feeling that is. As we progress in our relationship, more and more I let go completely. I trust him completely. I need him to hurt me, I need to bring him deeper into my heart and soul. I can only do that through pure trust and total surrender. I control nothing.

I want, no need to sacrifice myself to him to use, abuse, cherish and love….and yes he does all those things. I have never felt love like I feel. I see him as my Dark Angel, wrapping his wings around me, holding me up when I can’t do it myself because the feeling is too intense. I never see him as inflicting hurt. I see him as inflicting love. There is nothing more beautiful than the look in his eyes as he pinches my nipples until I can no longer breathe. When he holds my neck in his hands and literally takes my breath away, as he whispers into my ear..”You’re mine. MINE”. Well, then he figuratively takes my breath away.

To me, the more I am able to give and the more he is able to take will allow us to “forge a connection so profound and plunge into intimacy so intense that angels weep in envy and demons claw at their eyes in despair.”

There is no love deeper than that. There is no human connection more powerful or beautiful. I love my Sadist, there is nothing wrong with him, or what he does to me. I need him. I need his love.

……And I am not a Masochist.