Gentle Spirit

I never feared death until now.  I have tried to be logical about it.  I have only asked God to give me enough time to raise my Son.  I have asked him to give me enough time that he won’t be permanently scarred as I am all he has.  He needs me, for now, but my deal with God has always been this.  “God, please give me enough time to raise him, to see him into manhood, if you please give me this, I will not ask for more.  Let’s be realistic about it that in itself is a gift.  Every day is a gift.  My purpose was to raise my son, and having the opportunity to love him, be his mother, the privilege of raising him and knowing that feeling of unconditional love was more than most people could ask for.

Now though, I have found something else.  Something for me.  A different love than maternal love, but one just as fulfilling nonetheless.  I never thought that there could be a love as compelling as the love for a child.  This love though while different is just as fulfilling, just as compelling.  It is filling me, strengthening me. It is a giving love, an accepting love.  I feel protected in the way I protect my son.  I am everything for my son.  I am his stability.  I take care of his needs, I advise him, I help him, I cry when he hurts, I am his security and his safety.   My Dreamwalker gives all of this to me.  I don’t feel alone, he makes me feel safe and loved and accepted.  I have never received such a gift in all of my life, and never will I understand what on earth I ever did to deserve it.  But, now….I beg you God for an extension. I need to make a new deal, please.

I am so afraid that after finding this beautiful love, my beautiful Dreamwalker that God is going to make good on our deal.  Spiritually, I believe that the spirit never dies, that we become something else and move to our next destination.  I just hope to take that journey with Dreamwalker, after we have lived a long life together.  I want to ask God for an extension.  Please. I know it is selfish, but if you could just give me this.  I am afraid that death will take him from me or me from him.  I fear this so much because in my heart I know that only death will separate us.  It seems irrational, but it is the one unknown, the one thing that we can be certain will happen, but none of us know when.  Brings to mind Winnie the Pooh and the quote….”If you live to be 100, I hope to live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you”

That’s it.  I have found something that has been given to me by God and only God can take it away from me.  And I pray a new prayer…….Please God, don’t take it away.  I know what I promised, and as that day draws closer, I want to beg you to give us our time together.  We have just found each other, we will do good things in our lives together.  We will help others.  I will never take any day for granted, but please, give us time, keep us safe in your light.

I Pray.