I am not good at all with the spoken word.  The language of my heart comes only through my writing so I write you this in hopes to express to you the meaning you have in my life.   When I met you, I had no idea that you were to be the owner of my heart.   God laughs at us as we make plans.  He knows what he is doing and you were a divine blessing, a gift that cannot be measured in riches or gold, you were  his way of kissing me and telling me that he would always protect me.

Your love has cleansed my troubled soul and repaired my broken heart.  God  knew what was ahead for me and he knew that without your love I would have not been able to face and battle the demons that I have had to in the last year.  You are the measure of his unending love.   I thought I had my own demons to battle, never did I realize that the scariest and most dangerous demons had taken up residence in the soul of my beautiful son.

Your love not only healed me but strengthened me.   You offered me acceptance and serenity and you delivered me from evil and prepared me for the battle of my life.  I am ready my love.  Because of you, I am ready and capable and strong.  I will not let them win his soul.  I know you wont either.

Thank you my darling Dreamwalker, for without you, I would have been lost in a never ending abyss of darkness.  I could not fight this battle without you by my side.  I don’t need faith because I know you were sent to me by the heavens.

Thank you.  I adore and love you always, my love for you knows no limits or conditions.

What a day we had. I arranged for an overnight surprise for Dreamwalker. I asked him to pack the new whips and a fresh pair of undies. We arrived at the hotel around 1:00pm and sunk into the magnificent king size bed. Just lying there relaxing together was so yummy.

Dreamwalker reached over and started to kiss me passionately and I felt his hand slip under my leggings and his fingers very quickly found my clit. I had just gotten a Brazilian Wax the day before and he loves my pussy nice and bare. He flicked and played with me and I could feel my clit swelling, aching for release. I could feel my body tingling and my legs start to quiver and then, finally, I came and I came hard.

I needed his cock and I reached down and felt his rock hard throb through his jeans and I swear to God, it felt like it took a lifetime for me to undo his belt and pants. I finally was able to release his gorgeous cock and wrap my mouth around it.

As I took him into my mouth I felt the throb becoming more insistent while he became harder and harder. He started to moan and groan and gyrate on the bed. All of my sucking and licking proved too much for Dreamwalker. He didn’t have the patience to lay back and enjoy my oral skills today, he was feeling impatient and wanted an immediate release. His need is so urgent sometimes.

He grabbed my hair at the back and pulled me up to him and I yelped. I remember thinking…..he’s going to rip my hair out. He has no mercy when he is horny, none at all. It felt like one of those pics with the cavemen dragging his women by the hair.

Still, I get wet when I think about how he takes exactly what he wants. In everyday life he is kind and gentle and caring but when his cock gets hard, it’s the Dreamwalker show. It’s the material for many a lovely masturbation session for me.

With my hair firmly in his hand he hissed in my ear, “get your pants off I want to use your cunt”. I love when he says that, I get wet instantly. He gets filthy and vulgar when he is horny which makes it that much better. I am not sure how I would deal with a polite sadist. His way is perfect. He is perfect. Primal, instinctual and just raw maleness.

The feeling of him taking me his way satisfies a deep hunger inside me. The hunger to belong to someone, to be his and to know I am needed by him. He feeds that need and I am sated by his passion.

He climbed on top of me, kicked my legs apart. As he was climbing on though he paused to look at my cunt and he stared for what was probably five seconds but seemed like a minute or two and I was squirming with embarrassment. I think he did it on purpose and to let me know that my cunt was his to do whatever he wished, even stare at and I dared not try to cover up. I find something very erotic in this type of humiliation.

He pushed hard into me and grabbed my throat and pinched my nipples and as I started to cry out he leaned down and said.. ”Kiss me”

He kissed me as he gripped and squeezed my nipple and I moaned and gasped into his mouth as he tightened his grip, there is something so intimate in that. It’s hard to get closer to another human being then right there. I poured everything I had into his mouth, moans of pleasure, whimpers of pain. He was swallowing the intensity he was inflicting on me, allowing me to take more.

That intensity translated in the force he was fucking me with. I pushed down to feel him deeper inside of me, and he accepted that as an invitation to fuck me faster, harder and deeper. He was working himself into a frenzy.
He was grunting and pulling and pinching.

I looked up at him in the heat of that passion and cried out for him to slap my face. It didn’t take him two seconds to grant my request and two slaps later I was coming all over his cock.

He had built up quite a sweat and it started to drip into my mouth as I was vocalizing my orgasm and just as I licked the saltiness off my lips, he shouted out a deeply primal scream and drained himself into me. I felt his come.

I became incredibly horny instantly at the thought that both of our come was mixed together in my pussy and as he shuddered and moaned, I laid back, breathless and he stayed on top of me. He raised his head, grabbed my face and looked me square in the eye and said…..

”I haven’t even started to use you yet, brace yourself girl”

………..More to follow, as the day was still young.

Love is so many things and he has taught me so much about it.  Lust is all consuming.  It can ravage your body and torture your mind and too often lust and love are confused.  Although I am not sure you can fall in love with someone without it.  I lust for Dreamwalker all the time.  There is no doubt about that.

He is the subject of all of my daytime fantasies.  I find my mind wandering to thoughts of his touch, his smell and I am consumed with raw desire.  Sometimes I can’t sit comfortably I get so swollen and wet.  Is that love?  I don’t think so.  I think that is primal and carnal but no….it’s not love.

So then how do I know I love him?  I know because when I think of the pain he has been through I can’t stop the tears from falling.  I know that the thought of him feeling alone and sad puts a physical ache in my chest and again I can’t stop the tears from pouring out.

I know that if I lost him, I would lose everything , a thought that terrifies me.  I know that I would give up anything he asked me to if it would make him happy,  including him.  That is where the love is.  The love is in knowing that if having me out of his life would make him better, feel whole again, then I would walk away and never look back…..And I would be lost forever.  That is love.  I love you Dreamwalker with all my heart and soul and I just want you to be happy , to find peace in your soul, and to heal.



I feel that way right now and as you lie sleeping I cannot bear to be next to you because I smell you and it’s driving me insane.  2:30a.m , I know I am supposed to be asleep and you won’t be happy I’m awake but I am afraid to go back to bed.  Afraid for you.  Afraid for what you might think about me. Afraid of what might happen, but still wanting.  I feel like a primal animal, there is no Gentlespirit here right now.   She’s long gone and I have been trying to get her back for the last three hours.

Right now, I want you to tear me apart and I want to bite back.  I want you to rain pain upon me to sate my hunger to quiet the beast that possesses me .   I need you to win but I want to resist you with everything I have.  Damn it, there is something wrong with me and you are the only one to quiet me my love.

Tonight though I don’t want you to be nice.  I want to crawl into bed and scratch you, and bite you and for you to unleash your beast on me.  I want to feel every inch of your power.   I am in a rare mood and I need my sadist to torture me.  I want your violence,  your brutality.  Grab my hair, bite my back, fuck my ass,  slap me, pinch me…. shut me up.    I want to release you and for you to exorcise this demon that I am tonight.  I want to fear you  and I want to go feral tonight.

What the hell is wrong with me?

The thought I might be saying goodbye to you both for now and always.  I could never laugh with you again or kiss you or feel your hand embrace mine. I would never hear you tell me that you love me or be able to look into your beautiful blue eyes again.  I became overwhelmed with emotion in that moment thinking that I would be leaving you forever and I realized how afraid I am to face that day.

I decided right then that the only thing to be done, if I ever hear those terrible words “you are dying”,is that I will LIVE every single moment with you.  Really live it.  Enjoy every single second.  Take in all of you.  I would make sure you know how I feel about you and what you have meant to my life. I would breathe you, taste you, touch you, listen to you….LIVE EVERY SECOND.

The fear gradually subsided as I pulled myself away from those dark thoughts.  I breathed a sigh of relief and I said a prayer to keep us safe.

Then……….it occurred to me…..that I am dying.  It’s not a someday thing.   I am dying.  Every day that I live brings me one day closer to death.  You are too my love.  We all are, it is that simple.  We just don’t know when.

This is no dress rehearsal, this is the real deal and we are here now.  Today.  We are only guaranteed the second that just passed because we just don’t know when it will be time to say goodbye.  If we are lucky enough to have the opportunity to say goodbye.

There are no do overs my beautiful Dreamwalker.   We only have a moment.  That is all.  While we have this time together we have to live and enjoy every moment.  Each one is a gift.   There is no time to dwell on sadness.  There is no time for guilt.  There is no time for regret.

There is no time to postpone happiness.  It has to happen now.  There is no I will be happy when ……… Happy has to be now.   Postpone the sadness, guilt, worry and regrets.  There is time for that later, right now there is only time for living.  It’s time to live.  It’s time for you.  It’s time for us.  Today, this moment, right now.  That’s all we have.   I want to live the rest of my life with you.   I love you.

More pinching, getting tighter and harder and filling my body with a deep satisfaction yet leaving me with a greedy hunger for more. Still not awake enough to say anything, and facing away from Dreamwalker, I instinctively pushed my ass into him. He continued the pinching and pulling of my nipple and all I could do was moan and whimper that whimper he now knows to mean, more please.

I kept pushing back into him, writhing in delight, daring him, teasing him, and then I felt his grip around my throat. His breathing was getting harder and I knew the Sadist was about to make his grand entrance. Hmmmmmmmmmmm……..I do so love my sadist. My wonderfully delicious sadist.

Just as I was about to turn over, I felt his powerful hands clamp down around my neck. As he pulled me back he climbed up on me, both hands around my neck and pulled me up as he whispered, I want to come inside you now. Squeezing hard, I had no way to verbally comply so I spread my legs to invite him in…tonight he decided there would be no conversation. It was going to be his way. He really has such a way without words.

He climbed on, still squeezing my throat with both hands and pushed into me with a force that pushed my head back into the headboard. Now, I was awake, present and being used. Oh, how I love when he uses me. He fucked me hard. Harder than ever before. He thrusted all of himself into me and panted and grunted like an animal. I felt his power, he took me like his prey and I was in a deep bliss knowing that he cared nothing for my pleasure tonight.

Tonight was for him, him only and he made no apologies about it. Just thrusting, pounding, pure unadulterated hardcore caveman fucking. He pinched, bit and choked and fucked. He came, climbed off, rolled over and went to sleep. It was hot as hell and I felt like his. His to use. His to abuse. His to treasure. His.

I am struggling financially to begin with and am working in a job that makes me very unhappy and while I would like to find another one, I need to wait to get a few personal issues in order. I lost a very successful business 3 years ago and along with that lost property, credit basically everything I ever had materially I lost. I know, material things can be replaced but it sure hurts when you are trying to regain your breath because really it only took a short time to lose everything.

Dreamwalker has gone through so much this year to include the death of his wife, a move, a new relationship with me and two job changes. I have tried to be there for him through all of it, now I feel myself failing him. As well as all of that, we have been having to go back and forth to Vegas to take care of personal business he has there which finally has ended. My son is acting up. He is 16 next month. It’s not because of Dreamwalker, he really likes him and was acting up long before I met him.

I had to kick him out of the house two weeks ago for a week which you can imagine was heart breaking but he would not listen to me and ended up getting expelled from school. I have visited 9 doctors, counselors etc with him since September with him to try to get him treatment which of course he won’t cooperate with. My 16 year old who was the Varsity Captain of Lacrosse is now an expelled pothead and I feel like I am hanging on to him over a cliff and he is slipping and slipping and there is nothing I can do. I feel like I have lost myself somewhere along the way. I feel like I am drowning in grief and I can’t pull out of it.

I feel like a walking open wound and everything anyone says can lead to instant tears. I feel like this snowball has gotten out of control and I am smothering under an avalanche. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how the pull it all together while trying to pay bills each month that I don’t have money to pay, working in a job I hate, trying to keep a household together and take care of my son and Dreamwalker. To be honest, Dreamwalker is the only good thing going on right now, but I can’t help him when I am barely treading water myself. I don’t want to be a burden on him. I don’t want to add to the things he has gone through and is going through. I just wish everything would get better. That is all I want. I just want things to get better.

I want to find myself again. I can’t figure out why I am feeling all of this lately. I need to wake up and be in my life, I don’t want to just exist in emergency mode all the time and that is what I feel like I am doing. I am lost right now and I feel useless to anyone. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself, and hopefully I will snap out of it. I just wanted to get it all out.

I’ll very briefly touch on each of the issues, but primarily I ‘d like to speak about male/female dynamic.

World Economy-The huge gains in property prices, I believe are because during this decade more and more women entered the workplace.  When women started to enter the workforce, all of  a sudden each household had a substantial amount of disposable income.  Demand for bigger and better housing came along and following supply and demand laws, up went the price of property, as well as everything else.   Now, it is virtually impossible for a woman to stay home to raise her family as it is next to impossible for a family to survive on an average middle class income.  I don’t really want to go much further with this at the moment and also want to say that while I have no problem with women working, I believe economically it has been a bit detrimental.  I speak from the point of view by the way of having run a very successful business from 1998-2005.  When the economy dropped, I lost my business, but I am not coming at this from the angle of women belong in the home.

Traditional Family-All of a sudden women were being told that they can do it all on their own.  We don’t need men, men are the oppressors.  As women gained their independence, they realized they didn’t need the man to bring home the paycheck, so many working women left their husbands to raise their families on their own, starting the “single mom” movement.  I realize that there were men at that time too that believed they had their woman trapped, where was she going to go, and I don’t blame anyone for leaving a relationship that they are not being treated well in, I am just stating this whole idea of a “movement”.  One size fits all, it’s my way or the highway rhetoric as espoused by the likes of Gloria Steinem.  Look around you today, at the way things have turned out.  People argue that these women fought for our right to go out and work and be the career women.  What about those of us that didn’t want that?  What about those of us who were and are happy to take care of our family?  Most of us do not have that choice anymore.  Economics won’t allow it.  I have to work, as many women do.  Give birth and back at work six weeks later.  Great if that is what you want, but what if you don’t want that?  Where is my choice now?

Crime Rates- I think this is a direct result of women working out of the home.  Many kid’s today are raising themselves.  With only one parent in the family, usually the mother, who has to work because she is the sole supporter, boys are lacking proper role models.  They miss having the father in their life who can teach them how to be men.  This is evident in the increase of crime rates, overcrowding of prisons, increased drug/alcohol abuse, etc…

Dreamwalker, that is really not want I wanted to talk about, but it is a little food for thought.  We can talk about it another time, and I have not really articulated myself very clearly on the above points, because if I did, I would be writing until tomorrow morning.  The one I really wanted to talk to you about is the Male/Female dynamic, and how this has really changed the interaction between men and women.  You inspired me to write about this, and while I consider myself intelligent, and career driven, I crave the traditional male/female relationship where the Male is the Protector and the Female is his Nurturer.  I need it to be all that I am.

While I completely agree that women should be allowed to vote, work and have the same human rights as a man, I do not believe that men and women are equals.  I mean in the sense of how they relate to each other.  Nature made it this way for a reason, and I think this whole idea that we are equal in every sense is nonsense.  We cannot thrive and be true to our own nature or fulfilled in our relationships under these ideals.

I personally believe that in society today, that men are not sure how to be men, and women are not sure how to be women.  It is as if we are being told that if we relent to our true natures that there is something wrong with us.  We are not normal, or in some way betraying our gender.  I can’t subscribe to this, because I know that I deeply need to be true to my femininity, but it has been a journey to try to find someone that understands my needs, and can fulfill them.  Somehow, we are told that as a woman, if you put your man on a pedestal, that you are weak, you are beneath him and basically treated with scorn by other women.  If you don’t sit around and bash men, and get involved in these, Oh I would not put up with that, you better set him straight, conversations (like the one in the hair salon) that you are not part of the sisterhood.  I have had many discussions about this with my girlfriends, and I can’t seem to get them on the same page as I am.  In fact, they all look at me as being weak and having a low self worth, and being a doormat…this is the preferred comment.  I am anything but a doormat.

I know that with you I let my guard down, and tell you all my inner thoughts and feelings, including about myself, my life, my struggles and difficulties, but if you met me for the first time in another setting, you would never think this about me.  You would think that I had all the confidence in the world. I don’t share my true self with anyone, because I haven’t found anyone that could be what I needed them to be, a true man, or who could allow me to be a true woman.  I need a man who knows himself, and what he is, who isn’t afraid of his desire to possess and go and take what he wants, while remaining loving, compassionate and protective to his woman.  A man who is not afraid to be her everything, and who can accept her love, and warmth and vulnerability.  A man who let’s me break down and allows for my fears, and kisses me in those moments and tells me it is going to be okay.  A man who demands respect, and pleasure when he wants it, not when she wants to give it.  A man who can look into my eyes and see my soul, my love and who shows me how to follow him gracefully.  A man who demands to know my thoughts at all times and who isn’t afraid to correct them for me.  A man who will tell me in no uncertain terms how things will be, me knowing all the time it is in my best interests, and that I will never question because I know with all of my being that he will never hurt my heart and I have 100% trust in him.  A man who I would trust with my life.  A man like you.

I don’t present myself to the world as someone lacking in worth or confidence, only you, and only because I feel safe to be me with you.   I feel safe to open myself up to you and show you my traumas, fears and my insecurities, and my vulnerability.  It is why I feel that nobody really knows or has ever known me at all, why I feel so alone, and why I need to find my mate.

The same feminist movement has planted a great deal of confusion in men’s minds.  It has painted women as their adversaries instead of their counterparts.  Many men take the view of women as complainers, naggers, bitches.  Women are never happy, men seem to believe about themselves that they cannot make a woman happy, that they are never enough and they don’t understand women. Again, I put this down to a few things, and I am going to list them because it will make for easier reading:

1.  Women raising their son’s without the father present, there is no one to show them how to be a man.
2.  Women are equal mantra is being beaten into their heads, and why not when the main provider for them is their mother.
3.  Boys being expelled from school for schoolyard fights, immediately being taught that their masculine instincts are wrong and to inhibit them
4.  Women can do the job just as well as a man……well it depends on the job; fighting a war…no I don’t think so; fighting a fire…no I don’t believe so either…running a corporation…sure.
5.  Boys are being told more and more that the woman is the “boss” which is just silly, but say something enough and eventually it will stick……
6.  Men are made to feel like insensitive, brutes or called emotionally abusive if they try to lord their own manor,( I know the difference when it is abuse and when its not)
7.  They are taught about sexual harassment and it’s wrong to even elude to your sexuality in any way (give me a break, my son got in trouble for this in 3′rd grade, he was 9)

There are many more things I could go on about, but I really feel that it is very unusual to happen upon a man who is truly a male. You are one, and I find you so unbelievably sexy, because I am a female.

The genders have become so confused.  There is a huge underlying resentment and almost hatred now between the sexes.  I think it all stems from feminism in my opinion.  I won’t ramble on about this anymore, and I of course I would love your point of view.  My next part is going to be why it is the best thing for us to be true to ourselves, my favorite part to write about.

You see in my view, as a man, you are the protector, the strength, the leader. It is the way that nature intended.  You take the lead and I follow.   You are confident and assertive, you demand what makes you happy and take pride in your accomplishments.  You know what you want and go and get it.  You are strong yet compassionate, demanding yet understanding, dominating yet protective.  You want to conquer and possess, not just a woman, but out in the world as well.

As your woman, it is my job to take care of you.  To be your warmth and softness.  After being out at battle you come home to peace and harmony.  A place that is your domain, where your needs are taken care of, where you are pampered, and can relax, and take off your armour…..Where you are admired and praised, lovingly accepted and appreciated because of all you do and are, where you can take your woman, make love to her as you please, conquer her as well and receive all of her will in return. She must show herself to you in every way, put herself in your hands, she shows you that she respects you and trusts you above all else, even herself, which makes you feel complete.    When you return from battle you return to peace, comfort and happiness.  You do not come home to challenges or battles, you come home to warmth and softness.  It is safe, loving and inviting.  This is home.

When male and female are fulfilled and answering their true nature, the female becomes and extension of him, his happiness.  He loves her because of her warmth and kindness and nurturing, and only he really knows her, and the secrets of her heart.  She shares all of her thoughts and fears and hopes with him, and shines her adoration of him like a mirror upon him in which he can see his reflection in her.  He protects her at all costs because God help anyone who tries to damage his happiness.  She feels loved, safe and cherished.  He feels accepted, admired and adored.  It is nature at it’s best.

So…………..One thing I can guarantee, is that I have never sat around a hair salon and bashed a man.  I have never gone outside of my relationship and bashed my partner, I have never done it, no matter what they have done.  Although the men I was with were doing their best to be males, I believe that society had left it’s mark, confused them and they were never able to accept me, or know me on any level of depth, because they did not understand themselves.  You understand perfectly, and I adore you for it.

I am a real feminist, I am not, however a movement.

This is the letter I wrote to my ex to finally end things. I am healing in Dreamwalkers love, but the scars from this relationship are still healing and the ghosts sometimes still haunt me. I hope in time that I will heal completely……..

I wanted to write to you because when I speak to you it is hard to say the things in my heart. I am a nice pers and I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I have so many things to say that need to be said so I can live my life in peace and recover in a healthy way. I am sorry if this hurts you, because I don’t want to do that, but at the same time, I deserve to be heard so do with this what you will.

Since I have been back I have been surrounded by all the people I consider my family. I was so incredibly lonely in Ireland and all I thought about every day, especially in the last year was how to get back. I felt like a prisoner over there. I had nothing, not one thing. I had one friend in Susan, but with her husband coming back at weekends I was incredibly lonely. I am going to start from the beginning, and whether you agree or not, this is my reality and I have made the decision to tell you this because I am really angry and there is nothing left here that is reparable.

I guess when we met in Ireland, the warning signs were there. I remember you telling me to be quiet in restaurants when I didn’t think I was being loud and you being completely uncomfortable in your own skin. Then there was the meltdown in the Hotel where you told me you didn’t know how you felt about me. In retrospect I should have left that day, and was prepared to but then you got so upset that I just scratched it up to being scared about the future, but that day really hurt me.

What has brought all of this on? Well last week I sat down and started going through the photo albums. It has been on my mind since I have been back, but when I saw the beautiful girl in those pictures, and then see what I became, I realized that you and I are no good for eachother. As you know I have been working on getting back in shape and now that I am well on my way and can start, and I mean just start to see the girl you met, there is nothing that scares me more than losing her again.

If I were to list item by item the things that tore this apart, well I could type forever. I will list a few though so you know that each one of these hurt me deeply. One of these would have been enough to be relationship enders, but I kept forgiving, and thinking things would get better. They never did, in fact my life became a hell to the point where I felt I deserved nothing. I couldn’t even look at you, and I hated when you looked at me because I hated myself so much. It turned into a case of when you were gone, I was happy because you wouldn’t have to look at me. Does that sound healthy to you. I hated myself so much and felt so unworthy of anything other than existing to work. It makes me cry to read this back because I never felt like this about myself before I met you.

These are just some of the things that have destroyed any hope of you and I ever being together again:

1. When you came here, and put your hands on me in the closet, you put your fist in my face and pinned me against the wall and I really feared you from that point on.

2. When you told me that you liked me more than your ex but you were more attracted to her.

3. When you cut me off sexually, you made me feel like there was something unnatural about me wanting to have sex with you. This was a huge betrayal because when we were getting to know eachother, you acted like you were the most sexual man. I remember you telling me you were so horny and that when the sex went the relationship was over. Well it went and stayed gone and I felt like the most disgusting girl. When is the last time you kissed me? It was YEARS. And SEX? Years and Years.

4. When we came back from New Jersey on my sons birthday you called me a Cunt for no reason whatsoever, because I wanted you to try a particular dish that I thought you would like. It was his birthday, and you made sure to ruin that. (NOTE: My son was not present for this, in fact often he tried to gain favor with my son to manipulate me further)

5. When we went to Ireland, the day you were taking me to my mothers, you locked me in that room and forced me to find your Social Security Card from about 10 boxes. A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD. When I didn’t get it you grabbed me and threw me out of the house, you physically again threw me out. Then you threatened that if I didn’t shut up you would leave me and my son and our cases in the middle of nowhere with no way of getting to my Moms. When I didn’t have any way to defend myself or any friends to turn to.

6. Then will I even bring up the day we went to buy the car? I don’t think I need to remind you of that day and what you put me through. You know well enough, and the irony is that you are still driving that car to this day. You hurt my Mom that day. My mother saw how distraught I was and she will never forget it.

7. I never met one of your friends, ever. Do you not see how that would make me feel. I introduced you to every one of my friends. I had no secrets from you. You had lots from me.

8. You never tried to work, to earn money. You never even tried. Not in the U.S. or Ireland. Every bit of money you ever made from the time you met me was linked in to me, and me creating an opportunity for you. Do you know how that feels?

9. I remember going to your parents house and you taking off one night at 10:00. You never even invited me to go out with you. You just came in all dressed up. Do you know how humiliating that was for me when your entire family was there.

10. You left me in Dublin alone weekend after weekend and didn’t care that I had noone there. You knew I was alone, and I remember you getting angry and screaming at me because I asked you to drop me at the house. You were so anxious to get going that you wanted to leave me at the entrance to the housing estate.

11. My Birthday…..this….and I mean this…sealed our fate. How could you have humiliated me like that in front of your family. For no reason whatsoever. I was trying to do a nice thing for your family, and you screamed and cursed me out and threw me out of your house. You told me you didn’t love me. It was over then. I only have one day a year, my birthday, and you had to take that too. You couldn’t even give me that. You left me alone when you knew I was lonely already. How could you? How could you? I was not a horrible person, but you made me feel like a monster. I felt like I was inhuman. I felt like I deserved nothing.

There are many more instances I can recall but have chosen not to.

The beautiful girl you met was systematically destroyed. You ask me if I blame you for that, the answer is yes. I blame you for that. I cannot think of anything I did to you to hurt you. Please enlighten me if I did. I want to know. The thing is, that while I am sure you will reject this, it is all textbook Domestic Abuse. I lost everything because I had a relationship with you. I am finding myself again and will never allow you near my life again. I am too afraid to. I am sorry because I never wanted to be in a position to say these things, but time and perspective have allowed me to see the forest through the trees. I don’t want you to use my son to manipulate the situation because you never really cared enough for him to be a good influence in his life. You had good moments too, but I never ever felt loved by you and I switched myself off to you a long time ago.

If you could look at it, touch it, feel it would you believe in it more?

If I could show you the love in my heart, you would never worry again

You would know it was nothing to fear, you would know it would never harm you

If I could show you the love in my heart, you would wrap yourself in its warmth

You would know that my heart is your sun and the winter has now ended

If I could cut myself open, I would bleed love, for it is all I feel for you

You would crave the sweetness of it and want more and more and more

If  I could transfuse myself into you, you would be healed, you would never question

You would know all I ever want is to give to you, I want to take nothing you can’t give me

If I could prove all of this to you I would.  My actions are the only tools I have to show you

In time, I hope, my love will heal you.  That is all I want from you and for you.

For you to know the love in my heart, for you to never question it.  Mine or yours.

I don’t need a Collar, I don’t need a ring, I don’t need a proposal, I don’t need a house.

I wear your Collar around my heart, your ring on my soul, and your heart is my house.

I am not the girl who gets caught up in convention.  I am too caught up in you.

You are all I need.  You are my present and my future.  You are enough, I don’t need proof.

I don’t want to bind you in agreements because I want you to choose me every day.

I love you.  I always will.  Now and always.  My heart is filled with you.