Gentle Spirit

I feel completely out of sorts. I have never felt this way before and it needs to change. For myself and my son and Dreamwalker. I have been going through a lot of problems with my son, I have been sick…a lot in the last month, probably stress related, trying to navigate my way through a relationship and trying to keep it all together for the sake of my son and Dreamwalker. I have hit a wall. I feel incredibly depressed and down. Maybe all of it is taking a toll. I have never, ever been depressed or down for more than a day or two but this is different. I just want to go to sleep. I don’t want to wake up until everything is better.

I am struggling financially to begin with and am working in a job that makes me very unhappy and while I would like to find another one, I need to wait to get a few personal issues in order. I lost a very successful business 3 years ago and along with that lost property, credit basically everything I ever had materially I lost. I know, material things can be replaced but it sure hurts when you are trying to regain your breath because really it only took a short time to lose everything.

Dreamwalker has gone through so much this year to include the death of his wife, a move, a new relationship with me and two job changes. I have tried to be there for him through all of it, now I feel myself failing him. As well as all of that, we have been having to go back and forth to Vegas to take care of personal business he has there which finally has ended. My son is acting up. He is 16 next month. It’s not because of Dreamwalker, he really likes him and was acting up long before I met him.

I had to kick him out of the house two weeks ago for a week which you can imagine was heart breaking but he would not listen to me and ended up getting expelled from school. I have visited 9 doctors, counselors etc with him since September with him to try to get him treatment which of course he won’t cooperate with. My 16 year old who was the Varsity Captain of Lacrosse is now an expelled pothead and I feel like I am hanging on to him over a cliff and he is slipping and slipping and there is nothing I can do. I feel like I have lost myself somewhere along the way. I feel like I am drowning in grief and I can’t pull out of it.

I feel like a walking open wound and everything anyone says can lead to instant tears. I feel like this snowball has gotten out of control and I am smothering under an avalanche. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how the pull it all together while trying to pay bills each month that I don’t have money to pay, working in a job I hate, trying to keep a household together and take care of my son and Dreamwalker. To be honest, Dreamwalker is the only good thing going on right now, but I can’t help him when I am barely treading water myself. I don’t want to be a burden on him. I don’t want to add to the things he has gone through and is going through. I just wish everything would get better. That is all I want. I just want things to get better.

I want to find myself again. I can’t figure out why I am feeling all of this lately. I need to wake up and be in my life, I don’t want to just exist in emergency mode all the time and that is what I feel like I am doing. I am lost right now and I feel useless to anyone. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself, and hopefully I will snap out of it. I just wanted to get it all out.