Gentle Spirit

Dear Louise,

You were the first person to ever comment on my blog.  I will never forget the day I saw your comment.  I was filled with appreciation and also a strange sense that there actually are people reading this.  I didn’t know Dreamwalker was making it public when he did and I had mixed feelings about the whole thing.  I am not a writer, not at all, by any stretch, but what you and everyone else is reading is my heart, my soul, my adoration of Dreamwalker, my hopes, my desires and my fears and my flaws.

When I met Dreamwalker, I was in a very dark place in my life.  I had come out of an abusive relationship, had lost a business, moved back to California from Ireland.  I felt like I had been living in a war zone for the last five years and I just had resigned myself that I was this Monster, unlovable, worthless and basically unworthy of anything good.

I had spent two years locked inside a small apartment in Dublin with no one to talk to, and I felt so lonely, so unloved and unliked that I really just thought the world would be a better place without me.  Abuse….it really messes with you.   This was such a contrast from the vibrant, attractive and successful woman five years earlier.  I completely stopped caring about myself in every way.
The thing is, in retrospect, I wasn’t happy or fulfilled five years ago either.  I built all these walls around myself and walked around with such a false sense of bravado….all the while thinking inside….”Someone will soon realize you are a fraud.”   When I finally met the man  that confirmed all of my worst fears and even planted a bunch more bad seeds that I hadn’t even thought about, well it plunged me into depths of darkness that I was drowning in.  I was dying.  I allowed this man to convince me that I didn’t even deserve to be alive.  I couldn’t look at people and I hated when they looked at me.  I felt guilty that they had to be exposed to me, I thought no one in the world should have to look at me so I never looked at anyone.

When I came back to California, my beautiful friends embraced me and I started to feel human again.  Literally.  I didn’t feel human, I really had felt I was a Monster. It is only recently that I no longer think that.   In this time I made a decision to start looking for something.  I didn’t know what, but I wanted to make myself better.

[Joined FetLife where I became a slave against my will for two days. LOL. Will write more about that later.]

Then, one day, I read “Is Submission a Gift?”  I felt a hand reach into my Ocean of darkness and pull me out.  Dreamwalker.  Over the next few months, he gave me the resuscitation that my heart and soul and mind so badly needed.  You see, I was anonymous.

He didn’t know me, and I knew once he got to know me that he would leave, but I just had this deep need to know this incredible man who wrote these words of hope that I was clinging on to like a like raft.

I thought, maybe if he would just be my friend, well just him wanting to be friends with me ….somehow, I just would become worth something and someday, at some point, I would recover and be able to meet someone who would care about me and who would think I was worth loving.

I commented on the Fetlife Post, and I was scared.  I hoped in my heart he would message me privately about what I had written, but he never did.  I cannot tell you how much courage it took me to…two weeks later send him an email.  I feared he would laugh at me and that he would realize who I was and shut the door on me.  I so badly just wanted a friend.

Dreamwalker answered, he pulled me out of the Ocean, and he immersed me in warmth and kindness, understanding and acceptance.  He wrote to me and I wrote to him every day.  He asked me for complete honesty and openness and assured me that he would never share my secrets with anyone.  For once in my life, before I left this earth…I wanted someone to know me.  I wanted him to know all of me.  The good, the bad, my past, what I want.  I just needed someone to know who I am. Him.

Every time I told him my thoughts, the dark ones, he countered with such love that it almost took on a good vs evil aspect.  He took on my Demons, my Monsters and over that time, my beautiful Angel slayed every single one of them with his loving words, his understanding, his compassion, his tenderness.  EVERY time, he came back after I revealed something to him and he said.  My sweet Gentlespirit, you are so beautiful and after telling me that, you become more beautiful in my eyes.

I would read his words in amazement and this stranger, this man I never met or even heard his voice, was healing my heart and taking my Soul every single time I opened my emails.  I am not the same girl who he met on March 21’st.  I am much different.  I am the same person I always was but without my armour, without my pain, without my hurt.  I gave it all to him, he asked me to, and this in the midst of an unfathomable tragedy he was going through.  I felt so guilty about it but he insisted and I would have done anything to keep him in my life.

I also know I was someone he opened up to as well and I needed to be to him whatever he needed at that time.  This is how our love was born.  We pulled each other away from darkness and while we are not perfect and have more healing to do,  I now know without any doubt what love is all about.  I am in awe of this man.  I adore him.  He is an Angel.  He is an Angel sent by God to save me, and he did that.  He saved me.  He is my Savior, and I will love him, adore him, suffer for him, accept him and answer his every request, wish, and desire for all of the days of my life.

In my darkest moments, fear consumes me that this is all a dream, and I will wake up back in that apartment in Dublin..or..God will take him back, bring him home, and I will be left here alone.

After reading this, I hope you will understand why I have an entire blog dedicated to this man.  He deserves the whole internet to be honest but I don’t control that.  I do know that meeting him, knowing him and loving him is the greatest honor that I believe could ever be bestowed on another human being.  To be loved back by him, well that is just something that can’t be put into words.  That is not of this world, but it feels like looking into the face of God and having him smile a big approving smile and wrapping you in the divine love that we all envision Heaven to be.

Thank you so much my beautiful friend for taking this journey with us.  The letters I will begin posting are deeply profound to me and by sharing them with everyone, I am opening up my Soul and I hope you will like what you see.

Your Friend,

Gentlespirit

P.S. Here is the link to the piece that started it all…..