Do you ever get overwhelmed by the constant pushing and question yourself?
This is a hard question to answer. Yes, I get overwhelmed but more because I worry that I am not pushing myself enough. I wonder, could I have gone harder or longer. I worry that Dreamwalker will not be satisfied with me. I worry that my reactions are not the right ones or the ones he is looking for. I worry that he is still feeling hungry after being with me. He doesn’t make me feel like that, but I do constantly question myself. I know that I am completely fulfilled with him but I worry that I am not enough for him.
This coupled with the fact that I have nothing to compare myself to leads to incredible insecurity and self doubt. Dreamwalker is a hard player and sometimes I feel like it might be an all or nothing deal for him. He wants to take me as far as I can go. I want to go there with him. The thing is, is that right now that does not seem to be very far. For me, I know I can get to “all”, but in order to get to “all”, I need to be taught, which requires him gradually stepping up our play. I think this will be a challenge for us both and require a lot of patience and understanding. He has all of that, but it makes me feel so burdensome. Still, the only way for me to get there is to have him take me by the hand and lead me there. On the other hand, I have seen others play and have yet to see anything like the intensity of Dreamwalker. In fact, nothing even close.
There are also so many variables when we play. Time of the month, both mine and his emotional state and just having the privacy and time to devote to that type of training because it does need to be consistent. I am sure I am not the only one feeling like this but it definitely feels like that sometimes. We also are dealing with a lot of external circumstances as well that take an emotional toll.
He is everything to me, I just wish I could give him everything he needs all at once, but my body betrays me and can’t withstand certain play for too long. I suppose it is a process, a painful process both emotionally and physically. I just sometimes really feel like a failure. I feel like I am failing him sometimes and it makes me really sad. I won’t allow him to settle for anything less than what he needs because as I said in He’s Healing Me, Not Hurting Me, “I have found the most spectacular love of my life and I will protect it at all costs”.
This entire journey into BDSM can be incredibly overwhelming. Just today, we were at lunch and talking about our relationship. We don’t really have a true punishment/discipline dynamic in our relationship. I asked him if this is something he wishes we had and he responded….”The fact is, that if I ask you to do something or not to do something, you always listen. There is nothing I can really punish you about” Believe it or not friend, this is true. I naturally am just like that. We are figuring it all out and I am sure will change things along the way, but for now, I am allowing my heart to guide me and to tell me what he needs from me. I am doing my best and giving my all to this and that’s all I can do, but yes, I question myself all the time.
Dreamwalker and I certainly don’t have all the answers and sometimes we are not sure what to do, but the glue that holds us together is the deep respect and love and devotion that I feel for him, and he shows me every day how much he values, appreciates and cherishes me. I will never stop working at it with him because I know one day, someday, he will be totally gratified and fulfilled by me, and I will feel like I have earned the right to be called “his” girl.
Thank you so much for asking this question…It really got me thinking.
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